Shattered
by Hidden Character
Summary: Based on John Smith. Human Doctor and Karmen. This is kind of a muse deal because of how I think about these two characters and what's going on in there lives. *Copyright* John Smith is own by BBC and Karmen by BreakOfTheDawn. Based on a Roleplay.
1. Chapter 1

Why must I have these memories on the top of my own? Memories that make me push and hurt the ones I love from me. So many places I have seen threw his eyes. The falling star of Vactar, to the setting sun of his home planet. A beautiful planet, one with orange skies. Galifrey was like nothing I've ever seen compared to her.

She seemed simple and meaningless in ways. Her heart full of kindness and hope. The only thing inside of myself was sorrow and pain. His memories haunting me. The great lord of time, the last lord of time. A man of time, the lost man of time.

I am him, made from him. Made in battle, war, and bloodshed. I should not exist and yet I do. I made myself believe I was him, by forcing myself to become him.

It was going so well until I finally took notice of her. Who was she, she was no one to me. A companion to the man of time. I knew who I was then, she took it away from me.

* * *

_She stared at him a little blankly. "..Im cold"_

**_John looked to Karmen a bit shocked and quickly took off his trench similar to The Doctor's and placed it around her as he rubbed her shoulders a bit "I'm sorry...I should have got out there sooner" He said trying to sooth the girl._**

_She turned and pressed herself against him, wrapping her arms around him as well. "You look like The Doctor..but you can't be, your mind isn't exactly like his..You're different somehow.."_

**_John blushed then gulped "Well, I'm human, I have a bit of Donna's brain in me...and The Doctor's" He said looking down to her "I'm a different person but I'm still The Doctor"_**

_"No you're not, you're a completely different person." She gave him a light, friendly squeeze. "Mmm, but you smell like him...It's smells nice."_

_

* * *

_

Eyes once filled with fire and ice, sorrow and pain. It seemed to go on forever until she said such things. Always was I baffled why she didn't want me to be him. When they needed him I was the one there. As the others begun to see me for what I should be. She would want me to break free.

* * *

_"I'm not saying that you can help how you feel. I know that you have his memories, but maybe you should try to break from those. Be your own person John, be your own person. Don't be trapped by his past, break free, I know you can do it."_

**_John looked to Karmen he wanted to break free but how "I can't..." He whispered as his grasp went tighter "I don't know how...and I don't want to"_**

_She looked up at him in surprise. "Don't want to? You don't want to break away?" She pulled away a tiny bit. "What, so you want to stay trapped in his sorrow forever?" Her tone was a little angry, but it softened. "John, you __can_ break away, I know you can, you just have to try. And I'll be here to help you, I promise." She hugged him. "I'll help you"

_------------------_

**_John closed his eyes and walked back over to Kamen grabbing her in his arms "I don't want to get close to you...to anyone Kamen...you all want him...I want to be him...but one minute I am and the next I'm not" He held her still trying to warm her._**

**_

* * *

_**

Her name always calmed me in ways. My eyes lightening just a bit only to see the sadness whelm in them. Kamen's words always eased my pain but her actions gave me more fear. Before I met her, before I saved her, held her in my arms. She fell in love. The mortal beauty fell in love with a wolf.

Was it in my memory the tale of lost story or was a reality now hitting me. Caught up in human emotions, something even The Doctor got lost in.

The emotion of love is something hard to find but when found is something hard to forget. I will not forget but the was not my actions of humanity It was my actions of sorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

It never hit me how it must have been from what I've seen. As I would stand away from her the two started to grow.

He was in pain, lost and scared. As was I, haunting memories of our past, both bound with a curse. As I stepped away I ignored everything I should have took notice to. Who this boy was, his past and present. Instead of trying to help her and the boy, I wanted to help myself.

* * *

A threat approached and The Doctor needed my help. Our pan to switch mentally, my mind in his body and his in my own. So it seemed to have worked, yet as The Doctor stood in front of The Master it almost worked.

Who knew his actions would be darker then most. The Doctor companion's panicked and we switched back. My mind had went blank as a stand in front of the man. I had died a true death but it was purposely done. The darkness and cold had begun to take me in. Who knew it would be not death I was feeling.

* * *

_"This is what I have been waiting for...your going to help me...your the key" He whispered as he snapped his fingers and grabbed her by the arm "Allons-y!" The Master said grinning as he pulled her off through the ship._

_Leaving John's cold dead body to grow colder...*flicker of the eyes*_

* * *

**_The Doctor grinned "No, no...don't be...this was all me this time" He said as he pulled away from her "I just need somethings solved...and I got them...I think" The Doctor then looked off to the room "Where's Karmen?" He asked looking back to D.D._**

**_Jack stood off to the side of the two "Last time I checked she was running around with Luke and Seven" He said listening to the two._**

_D.D. nodded, both to the Doctor's comment and his question. "Yeah..." she said, composing herself quickly. "They were together the last time I saw too," she said, stepping back and smoothing out her clothes. She stepped back over to Jack and stood there. "So what's the plan to stop the Master?"_

_**The Doctor looked to D.D. then too Jack he gave them a worried look and said "I don't know yet..." As he looked off towards a hall "I have dealt with a bunch of things but what I did...I hurt John...I need to tell her...he wants me to"**_

_**

* * *

**_

The Doctor stood on the TARDIS feeling in everything that had happened. Guen, D.D., Seven, Luke, Rose...All seemed to take it well enough until it came down to Karmen.

Meaningless, how did it come to such a thing. Was I thinking straight, I was going to die. Think not. He gave her a hologram, my last words to a human.

* * *

_The hologram came on as a man stood before Karmen he wore a brown trench, his hair brown, his eyes matched, he was smiling as he wore a pair of glasses "Is this thing working..." It flickered as he spoke "Just say yes or no the thing should try and fix it self if it is flickering or what not"_

**_"Yes! Yes, it's working!"_**

_John smiled "Good, that's good...." He pulled off his glasses and placed them in his coat "Now where am I...and who am I with...really tell me or the thing wont start talking...sorry safety features"_

**_"It's just me, Karmen. And we're on the TARDIS out of everyone's hearing"_**

_John nodded "Alright...good...right..." He knelt down to her and placed his hand out to her on her face he looked away from her and sighed "If your hearing this I'm dead or dieing right now at this moment...the first thing I want to say to you is...I'm sorry"_

_**She placed her hand over his, though it was only a hologram. More tears rolled down her cheek. "It's okay, you were only helping"**_

_John looked at her with a smile "Now don't go getting emotional..." He said with a grin "I know how girls are and at this point your crying...there's not need to" John stood up and walked a little ways in front of Karmen "I've had three girls that I've loved...three...one doesn't love me back, one wont talk to me, and one who's building a bond with another" He said sadly "But I'm glad for her, for that one...but it only makes me think was it my own fault that made it so...I mean if I cared for her I could have done something but what"_

_John stopped as he turned to Karmen "This is the part you say something before I can continue"_

**_"The first girl would be Rose, the second Nikki but the third.." She paused. "Am I the third girl John?_**"

_John smiled and nodded "No I never would have guessed that"_

**_"Sarcasm eh? You're dead and these are your last words to me and you decide to be sarcastic. Great.." She rolled her eyes. "So clearly you had a certain reason for making this, why? What is it that you have to say to me?"_**

_John shook his head "Nothing really I just thought if I wanted to leave someone something it would be you...I guess I can say good luck with you and Seven and end the thing now can't I" He said looking to her if she said yes it would cut off it she didn't it was hard to say what would come next._

**_"Please don't go yet! I want to talk..just a little bit longer.."_**

_John looked at Karmen sorrow was deep in his eyes but when was it not "Your the only person that looked at me and saw me as a different person Karmen...I'm sorry this has happened...I wanted to get to know you more...I'll never have the chance"_

**_"I wanted to know you too John, there was so much to know! So much that we could spend hours talking about, but we can't now" She looked at him, her heart breaking again and again every second. "I wanted to help you get over your obsession, and to show you just how wonderful you are as an individual. I wanted to set you free and I--" She choked up, tears coming again. It was hard to say, especially with how she felt about Seven. Two different loves..tearing her apart. She could love them both, right? It just wouldn't be fair to make her choose. "And I..love you John.." She bit her quivering lip._**

_The hologram started flickering in and out "Don't say that...Karmen, please don't" He whispered as the thing faded in and out._

_**"Why can't I? Why can't I tell you how I feel?"**_

_John looked at her the hologram was programed to react to surrten things this was one of them "I don't want you to...I don't want you to have to miss me Karmen...don't cry for me, please"_

**_"That's not something you can control. I'm going to miss you John, and I'm going to cry for you. Heck, I'm even going to avenge you. The Master will not live to see another day, not just for what he did to you, but for what he's done to the universe several times. I'm going to grow strong John, so I can fight. And then nobody will ever have to die to protect me again...Goodbye John." She leaned over and kissed the hologram._**

_John looked to her he couldn't believe what she was saying "No, Karmen...NO!!" He yelled as the hologram shut off._

**_She picked up the hologram projector and walked back into the control room. __'Sorry John, but I have to do this. I won't let another person die for me...'_**


	3. A New Approach: Stepping Into His Mind

Author's Note: **I know it has taken me some time to update this but there have been some obstacle's in me way. One was fanfiction, deleting so much of our roleplay that I couldn't go back and piece together this. The second has been internet which I have now gotten back. Well now there is a third, for to go forward with the story. Well for this I'm thought long and have come up with the solution of passion. Taking people into the mind of one of my one of my well created characters. Creation of his mind to be exact.**

* * *

Have you ever have the sudden realization you exist. That your brilliant and the universe is your playground. Yes?

No...no. I thought so...Well, guess that's just me then. Mete-crisis, clone, replica, him...I'm part human, part Time Lord. I'm a mistake but even so I'm fine with it.

Well, was I really a mistake?

The Doctor, a Time Lord. A powerful man to some, and admiration to others.

**"I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborous. I'm 903 years old and I'm the man who is gonna save your lives and all 6 billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?" **

He 's someone to look up to, a hero, an enemy, a lover. Even if The Doctor in turn doesn't or won't admit to ever love a person back.

I'm part him. I have his looks, a bit of his attitude, and the best part of him to have. I have his mind, The Doctor's mind. I know everything he knows...Scratch that, mostly what he knows. Unless he knows something knew since our last meeting then I don't know that...But that's another story.

See I have the best of The Doctor but then again I have the best of another. Being part human means I have the one thing The Doctor doesn't, one thing he can't. A human life, the ability to grow old and live with someone you love.

**"I have one heart, which means I'm part human, I only have one life and I can spend it with you...Rose Tyler, if you want."**

A normal human life, something The Doctor wishes he could have. Something he had once and had to give it up.

**"John Smith, why can't I be John Smith, with his life, his home, and his love. Why can't I be John Smith? Isn't he a good man?"**

The Doctor couldn't be him, but I could. He gave me to Rose Tyler, one of his most faithful companions. A woman he...Well a companion he cared dearly for.

I was able to tell her what she always wanted to hear, and take what he always wanted to. My life left me with something to live for, I could be John Smith...I just never thought about being him.

I was never given a choice to be another. I existed and with my existence I was The Doctor. With the life I was given threw my eyes and the people I was around. I was The Doctor.

At least until I was tossed into The Doctor's world, into his reality and in front of her eyes.

* * *

**A First Glimpse:**

When I first met her she reminded me of the rest. A girl off on adventurers with The Doctor, his companion until the end. Stubborn minded, thick headed girl. A human only wanting more to life that what she could get.

She looked at me like I was different, and in a way it confused me.

I am him in almost every way, look, memories, even the way I think. I am The Doctor, but this blond haired, violet eyes girl, she thought different.

Karmen, simple Karmen who thought she could help everyone. Who fell in love with two complete different and yet uniquely the same people. Two men who fell as hard in love with her and she did them.

How I ravished in the fight for her, ached for her in my arms, and lusted for just the approach of her towards me.

I never knew how many times I would wined up hurting her threw it all. So many time I swore the other had won.

Seven, my enemy threw it all. Someone both I and Karmen hurt as we traveled down our darken path. Our love never burning out, the fire always burning for one another.

How the flame can dim threw heart ache and sorrow, yet never truly burn out.


End file.
